My son glared at me from the backseat.

I could tell that whatever lesson he was learning in that moment, it was not the one that I intended to teach. I knew that what I said in that moment could very well be remembered for the rest of his life. I would need to choose my words very carefully to help him process what had just happened or else my discipline would serve to instill bitterness and anger rather than help lead him into biblical manhood.

If you are familiar with the Old Testament, you may be aware of the tradition that fathers would pronounce blessings and/or curses over their children that would seemingly solidify the course of their children’s lives. This always seemed somewhat mystical to me – almost like an incantation. How could anyone with a word speak such things into existence?

However, whether we know this nor not, we are doing this every day with our children. As a parent, we are in a position of immeasurable influence as the words we say (and the ways that our children process them) become their reality. And these realities shape the way that they view themselves, others, and even God.

 

Perhaps a few examples of what we have learned through our prayer ministry with college students would help to illustrate this.

One student could not pray very often because deep down they felt that God did not have time for them. As we prayed, we discovered that when they were younger, they would often ask their father to play with them and he would always choose to watch TV instead. All their father said was “not right now”, but too many “not-right-now’s” conveyed the message, “You are not as important as television” and eventually the messages “I do not have time for you“, essentially, “You are not good enough.” In this way, a father simply wanting to unwind after work left his child struggling for years to understand their worth before both God and man.

Another student was struggling to pray and felt as though their prayers must be “just a little bit annoying” to God. Even though they did not know why, through prayer, God reminded them that this thinking came into their mind on one occasion when their mother bought them a Popsicle, not out of love, but to shut them up. So, the lesson they learned in that moment was, “I am just a little bit annoying. People answer my requests, not because I am loved, but because I am annoying.”

In this way, as fathers (and mothers) these “pronouncements” we say with our words and actions carry the same weight as did the fathers of the Old Testament. For this reason, we need to watch our words and sayings carefully. For example, keep in mind if you were to say, “You are a slob; your room is always messy,” you have just given your child the title “slob” and they might as easily find themselves identifying with that title than overcoming it.

 

 

Perhaps what is most discouraging is the realization that many times what our children hear, is not what we meant to teach them.

For example, you might say, “That’s OK, as long as you did your best…” However, unless we are living an unbalanced life, no one can truly give their best to any one thing. Therefore, although they might say “yes” I did my best, they secretly think, “I just lied to my dad. I didn’t do my best and I am not good enough.” Only their facial expressions and their body language will tell the true story of what is going on inside.

In my case, as a child, I was often told, “You need to be more responsible” and I heard “You are not responsible” and the more that I unintentionally did not do my homework or household chores, the more that I became convinced of my identity as someone who was not responsible. Therefore, I began to embrace the dis-empowering reality that I was not responsible and that I never would be, no matter how hard I tried.

For parents, this at first seems like a hopeless situation. While we can certainly avoid assigning dis-empowering labels to our children, how can we be sure that our children are receiving what we are saying in the ways that we intended?

I have two truths to encourage you.

The first is that “Love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). Those of you who have had imperfect but sincere parents know that it is much easier to overlook bad parenting choices if we know that we are loved and that our parents are earnestly trying to do their best. There is no shame in explaining to your children that while your motive was right, the way that you disciplined them might not have been the best. If done with sincerity, your child may just well overlook the offense and learn the lesson that they otherwise would have ignored.

Second, be encouraged that while your child might not be able to tell you what they are thinking, it is possible to develop the sensitivity to discern the emotions that they are feeling in that moment. This often comes intuitively for Moms because they grew up in girl world where their relationships and social status depended almost entirely on discerning the emotion behind what someone was saying.

Therefore, Fathers, listen to the Mothers around you and value their perception of how your child is receiving your words. Over time, you too, will realize that you sorta had this ability all along, but in guy world men tend to focus more on being a leader who does and says what is right without regard to how others are receiving what we do.

But, we can’t live that way as fathers.

Our children depend on us and look to us for their identity. Many boys cannot be freed to enter manhood without our say so. And girls will often shape their view of womanhood around how they think that we view them. And the manhood and womanhood that we present to them will be what they will unconsciously seek to become. For this reason, it is so important for us not only to teach our children what is right, but to always be aware of how they are processing what we are saying.

So as my son glared into my eyes in my rearview mirror, I looked him in the eye and spoke to him gently and explained my discipline: “I saw you put your brother in a headlock and hit him after I warned you not to do it again. I warned you the last time, that I thought that I saw that happen (and you both denied that anyone did anything), that the next time that I saw it happen you would need to be disciplined. Perhaps, I was too harsh and I acted too quickly? I love your brother too and I am his defender as well. I am not angry with you. I love you and that is why I disciplined you. Can we move on with the rest of our day now?  Maybe we can even have a great day and get ice cream later!?”

With these words, my son’s steely eyes softened and in minutes he had moved on and was talking and joking again.

Have you ever looked into your child’s eyes and were able to tell that they, at that moment, despised you? Have you ever sent them to time-out without first instructing them on what they should be setting their minds on while they were there? Have you ever sent them to their room and the look on their face told you, “I will do what you say, but I am going to think about how unfair and mean you are while I do”?

 

Let me encourage you Dads.

Scripture tells children to obey their parents, but in those same passages it tells us fathers not to stir our children to anger or bitterness. (Colossians 3:21; Ephesians 6:4) Thus, the commandment is not to make your children obey, but to consider how they are processing our teaching emotionally.

These verses are essentially commanding Fathers to be emotionally sensitive. There is good reason for this. We are the gatekeepers of our children’s souls and as long as they respect us, they will look to us to help them process life, not merely to tell them that they are wrong. And it is up to us to help them to see themselves as “good enough” and “worthy to be loved.”

What will you tell your children today to help them to know that they are loved for who they truly are?

 

Pray this prayer with me:

“Lord God, thank You for calling me to fatherhood. You know the job that I am doing with these children. Would You help me now to see how I am doing? Lord, I ask that You would bring my mind to rest and that You would silence any external voices that are seeking to distract or condemn [Pause and wait for your mind to come to rest]. And I ask that You would bring my heart to peace [Pause and wait for your heart to come to rest].

Now Lord I ask, would You show me – what are the ways that I have caused my children to become angry and bitter? Would You bring those times to mind? [As memories come to mind, relive them as though you are watching from a safe distance.] Lord, would You show me what do I need to do in order to make these things right? [Wait for this to come and write it down].

Lord, I ask that You would forgive me for these down-fallings and help me to learn what it means for Your Spirit to work in me?

I give my children to You and ask that You would help to heal them from my mistakes [it can help to picture handing your children over to Him and watch what He does with them]. Now, Lord, I ask for mercy and compassion so that I may help make amends for what I have done. Please empower me to connect emotionally with my children so that they might truly receive what it is that I am trying to teach them. Amen.”

 

This is a journey for all of us if we are willing to change as parents. We’d love to hear how you are working through this or if you have any questions to discuss!

 

If you missed Week 1 of our June Friday Fatherhood Series you can check it out here: How Almost Ruining my Emotional Son Led to My Spiritual Renewal 

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