The Lord has been showing me a lot about the tight-fisted control from which I was (ok…am) wielding life.

Oh, not just my life, but all of those in my house as well. And overall, it was going pretty well.

I mean, I wake up with a to-do list on my nightstand for the new day every morning. No questions about what to do today over here.

There is that rush of stress that runs just under my skin that keeps me moving constantly with an ache in my arms. Who needs exercise machines?

Is quadruple-tasking a thing? I’m pretty sure that’s how my mind and hands are running all day.

And I know how to cut short any annoying trip to a beautiful park to read and relax with my family, with my impatience to go back home and “get things done.”

Can anyone relate?

 

The Perceived Benefits

My mind is always racing like a whirlwind with things to do, and just the right order for them to happen. Logical, practical, orderly. If my family would only ask, I’d tell them what they should be doing right now too. And a benefit is that, together, we appear to “get things done”.

On the outside there are benefits to being controlling. I mean, things DO happen. And we are activators and idealistic people. “Productive people”, some might say. 

There are societal benefits in this world to controlling your circumstances. There is a measure of praise and success given to the busy and organized. I’m probably being more of a Proverbs 31 woman on-the-go, right? Living more Biblically?? (Please hear my tired sarcasm.)

But on the inside, my gears never stop turning. I have trouble sitting still. Trouble enjoying just watching a movie without also folding clothes or paying bills. And I can’t read a book for more than 20 minutes at a time before I want to jump up and really “do something”, you know, in the real world of physical things.

 

Time for Change?

Recently a friend offered to drop by and visit with me while we were having a yard sale. Dear, sweet friend who stopped by on a 90’ day in the midst of our mess. I expected a 5 minute drop by to say Hi and then for her to go on to her more important day.

That’s how my mind works – I schedule out: go here _____, go here ______ on the way, start dinner at this time _____. Visits with friends are usually in 2 hour blocks. Homeschool fits within a certain block of time. It’s how I fit it all in.

But she lingered and talked. Then she sat down with me. Then she offered to ride with me to get food and stayed a little longer still. She had things to do but I felt no rush on my conversation that she needed to get to them. She knows how to give time.

I mostly know how to apportion time.

I guess in my economy I would have dropped by for 5 minutes to say Hi and gotten 10 more things done that day. But her way does not make me feel rushed or squeezed in.

 

Three days later I was sitting across from another friend, each of us typing silently for writing time accountability. She too knows how to just BE and though she runs her own business, knows how to give her time well. These two younger, wiser ladies, humble me.  

The Lord has been graciously unwinding this tight knot I have allowed my inner life to get twisted into.

As I reflected on both of their valuable friendships, while color-coding my new planner, the Lord began to highlight my inner tension. Unable to sit still any longer, I hopped up to cross the street and pick up lunch but the Lord walked with me and interrupted my silent walk. 

 

“Why do You fear giving Me your time?”

 

My mind raced through my vows of willingness. The ones I had been offering since I was 14 in devotion to Him and the countless times I had raised my hand in altar calls about surrender.

 

“Have Your way with my day! Use me how You want, take me where You will!”, I’d say.

But I’d really like to be home by noon.

 

There was always a limit to my availability.

So I sat down on a bench and asked back His question to me.

 

Why do I fear letting You use my time?

                My mind flooded with the answer – His Holy Spirit within me speaking truth: 

I want control. I want to be a vessel, that also keeps reasonable hours and keeps mealtimes in mind. I don’t want my time to get away from me (my unearthed mantra). Relaxing is sometimes wasting time that could get something more impressive done. I want to hold onto time. I want ministry to fit in neatly, but I don’t think that was the disciples concern as they followed Jesus.

What does that control of time look like?

 An image of a large, heavy, densely packed hourglass came to mind. I tried to carry it at the angle I wanted – controlling how it’s shaken, how it’s held, how fast it goes. At least that’s my attempt. It’s weight was becoming too much and that was easy to admit. 

Lord, if I give to You what will You change?

I see myself lean in to hand it over and in His hands it becomes a tiny plastic hourglass, like from a board game. He tosses it in the pocket (His majestic white robe has pockets?!) so He can hold me instead. Suddenly, I have my arms around His neck and am being held on one side like a small child, in a snuggle I miss from my own grown kids.

 

I find that the Lord’s healing often addresses more than one need. He wants me to rest, dependent and reliant on Him, and to mentor me in His good Fatherhood that I also need.

 

Lord, where did this all begin?

He shows me that it is out of my love for Him and wanting to spend my days for Him, serving and doing good things. But this had been twisted into a stress about not wasting time. I’ve been thinking – if I can balance and schedule things well, the day won’t get away from me and I’ll have more opportunity to do things for God. I’ll be of more use for Him, but I think my plans have been mis-arranged.

A secondary reason is that I wish time would move more slowly. Everything that I wanted to happen, has not happened before turning 40, and I’ve attempted to control time to make myself more content. To make things “seem right” by feeling accomplished, despite my disappointment. 

 

But my eyes were opened to see that God + the freedom of my time would actually lead to the rewarding life that I want. I felt a sense of freedom start to grow inside of me, like my heart was widening and could breathe. The idea settled within me that my flexibility, offered to Him, would actually take me more on the wild adventures of faith, miracles and interesting, life-changing experiences I say I desire so that more people will encounter His Kingdom. I would “be more” because it would be purely His mission I would be on and His purposes – IF I could let go of my schedule constraints.

I had feared sincerely asking God to use me anytime, anywhere because it might interrupt my time too much.

Wow, that is ugly.

 

His generous hands leaned toward me with a gift of tangible Love and Patience for the people in my life. That Love and Patience could trump my consciousness of a schedule and make any time needed, no matter how unplanned, worth it.

My muscles started to relax and I felt lighter. It might not happen all at once but I wanted to wake up more available to His plans for my day. I wanted to give my family more grace for what they do or don’t do that I expected. After all, He has given me Love and Patience for those occasions. I can hold onto that.

And a wave of gratitude washed over me that He would care to re-direct me and redeem who I am by speaking to me in the coffee shop parking lot.

 

Thank You, Lord. Shatter my hourglass of control and let me hear Your winds of freedom. May I pass on greater traditions of true submission to You and tangible rest from the inner peace found in You, that my children can learn from me and thrive in their sense of time too. 

 

 

Friends, does this theme resonate with you?

• Why not sit with the Lord and ask Him what your attitudes are toward control and your time? Ask only Him to speak to you and write down your impressions to consider and weigh. What is the basis for how you run your life? Bring all of this before God in case He has a different way for you to run.   
• Share this story with a friend who needs it so that others might find their freedom in prayer. You can read more testimonies about getting to the root of issues in our lives that lead to freedom at our other site focused on prayer – Pray Through It.