The 40-something mother of five blushed as she felt the eyes of the handsome, young soldier admire her presence as she passed. She felt a rush of heat in her cheeks and quickly broke her gaze from his and turned her eyes toward the ground.

 

 

Though there were no words spoken, there was a flurry of emotions in this scene. Did you sense them?

 

Psychological research says most of our communication occurs through facial expression, non-verbal cues like body language, and through tone. Yet, do we make much effort to train our children in how to read these vital cues? I must have passively been taught this because I have a sensitive mother, but is it important to intentionally teach this skill?

 

If this is where most communication takes place, I want to teach my children, especially my boys, how to read and hear what is clearly not being said.

 

Yes, many sins and actions are blatant, in your face and loud. But the subtle glances, winks and expressions that make up so much of our human interactions are what I want to bring to the attention of my kids to consider and understand. Within these subtleties are where so much “trouble” can begin. And this is where so much communication takes place. Can we help them become aware of non-verbal communication vital to relationships?  

I watched that scene above recently in “Larkrise to Candleford“. My sons, 9 and 12, were watching with me. (We don’t normally watch this together but they caught part of an episode with me.)

I wondered what they thought about the subtleties of the mother’s embarrassing situation. Did they notice what that glance meant? Did they see that she blushed and wonder why this flattery may be out of place? I decided to ask them. 

“You notice how the Mom looked embarrassed? Why?”

“Should she have?”

“Did she or the soldier do anything inappropriate considering she’s married?”

 

 

Later in the show the Mother found a love note in a familiar spot for her to work every day. You could see the look in her eyes at the thought that this might just be from the young soldier. Would that be a welcome move or not?

She had been happily married, though she was now going through a bored, unappreciated spell with her husband. She had hinted to him that more romance would be appreciated between them and he had stepped up to again sweep her off her feet with the note.  But for a moment she entertained the thought that it might be from the friendly stranger. Then she felt utterly embarrassed at herself that she did not consider her husband first. All this occurred silently, yet was a major theme of the episode.

“Did you notice how she felt?”

“Why does she seem embarrassed by feelings that no one else even knows about?” 

But someone did pick up on her secret embarrassment and that led to her further feelings of shame. A young man who wanted to court her daughter saw the momentary question in her eyes about the sender of the note. Now her moment of secret thoughts had to be explained to a witness and forgiven, though no sin had taken place. 

 

This was also a fairly innocent scene to use to broach the subject of adultery.

“What might have happened if she were lonely or sad and got a love note from the soldier?”

Without using an inappropriate visual example, I could talk to my kids about how wrong relationships can strike up because we are vulnerable. When we start to entertain ideas that we shouldn’t, we can fall into temptation to sin. The temptation is not the sin, but the step into it can be. And I want to train them to be aware of that subtle slide.

We have a deceiver who works stealthily whenever he can. His tactics aren’t always as loud as the brazen woman in Proverbs 7. It’s through the subtle ideas that come to our minds that we can feel even further guilt that we are the originator of those thoughts. A thought crosses our minds, then we hear the inner condemnation of that thought linger. That’s a more effective tool than an obvious temptation we might despise. That’s why he’s considered crafty.   

 

So, to arm our children for the subtle and not-so-subtle battles over our thoughts, how can we use what we pick up on on TV to teach our children?

 

5 ways to Use TV to Teach the Subtlety of Sin

1. Ask questions about the nuances or implications you understand, to train them to pick up on them too. “What do you think is happening here?” “Why did he look at her that way?” “What did that wink mean?” “He left quietly but how did he feel?” “There seemed to be an understanding when they looked at each other. What did they both understand?”

You can use these to discuss the moral dilemmas or inner turmoil happening. This is how most of our battles are fought, a war within our minds about what we should do or who we should listen to. When we see this on the faces on TV we can help our kids process their inner struggles too. 

 

2. Use examples from kid’s shows to contrast the character of the characters. We’ve often used “Phineas and Ferb” because there is a maniacal character, a bully, good kids, and those that can be persuaded either way, yet none of the characters are really evil. (There are a lot of “Star Wars” analogies around here too!)

Using what the kids enjoy to explore emotions and choices in conversation makes it more relatable to them. And more like you are talking about what they enjoy instead of giving a lecture.  

 

3. Draw parallels from the Proverbs lesson or Scripture they have heard to real life examples they see on the screen. We read this verse for morning Bible time right after watching that episode. It was an interesting discussion on what can a wink mean? Sometimes it indicates lying, or flirting, or approval, or a secret. All that intention in just a subtle wink. That fit well with this Proverb that a wink could cause trouble.

“Whoever winks the eye causes trouble.”  ~ Proverbs 10:10

We talked about what you can watch for on and off the screen in non-verbal communication. The Bible has many examples about lying eyes, batted eyelashes, sly looks. Subtle temptation is as old as man is. 

 

4. Bring up situations like the one from Larkrise to talk about in Family Meeting. Ask questions like, “Did that character make the right decision?” “What would you have done?” 

This can be a good time to review together what you have watched (or read) this week together, especially if something came up that was scary, concerning, or misunderstood. Ask them too for examples of their own if they watch TV without you. This may help to alert you too if they are watching something that needs more supervision or explanation. 

 

5. Use facial expression cards, grab a magazine and flip through it, or draw faces to explore how the person might be feeling. Often looks are misunderstood and I want to teach my children to look around the room and discern how people are responding to what is being said, or not said. Pause a show sometimes before the mystery is revealed and ask what they think is going on. “Who likes an idea in the show and who doesn’t support it?” “Who is sad or happy about the news they just heard?” “Can you sense disappointment, anxiety, struggle or fear in anyone?” “Do they seem sorry about the decision they made?”

We have been using I Heard Your Feelings cards* at family meeting to make them more aware of what is conveyed by the look on other’s faces. These cards give a cartoon scenario with questions to uncover how each animal is feeling (like concern that Cat is sick.) We want to raise them to be sensitive and empathetic, to pick up on social cues that we were not able to discern until we were older and grow up caring for others and aware of where they are being led by subtle signs. 

 

 

There’s no question that we are bombarded with obvious sinful images and scenes. No doubt there are many reading this who feel sorrow for what their children have accidentally seen or been exposed to by someone else intentionally. If that is the case, we believe we can pray with our children about this exposure and help them process what they have seen. It does not have to have the lasting effect we are afraid of. We will be discussing ways to pray about these issues and hand them over to the Lord in a future post. 

 

Please let us know if you have a suggestion or example of how you have discussed an issue with your children using TV!

 

 

Other articles mentioned in this post: 

• Family Meetings: Unexpected Family Time You Won’t Want to Miss 

• A Proverb a Day with Your Kids

 

 

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