Whatever language you speak, the first language that we all learn is the language of empathy. We begin our lives in darkness and are born through trauma, but we are not alone. Months before we meet our mothers, we already can hear and feel the voice of our mother. We can feel the tremors of her agony when she weeps and we are baptized into her emotions long before we see her face. Her voice is familiar and clearer than ever and affirming, but it is her soul that most speaks to us.

If we are fortunate, when our eyes meet hers, we instantly become aware that we have worth. It is as though our she has been expecting us and our arrival has somehow wiped away her recent sufferings. She loves us deeply and as she cradles us, it is as though we are tiny dancers partnered with the strong and experienced grace of a female lead.

If we are very fortunate, our father shortly after this, attempts to hold us (I say attempts, because for many men, this is the first time that they have ever held a baby more than a few minutes or even seconds). His meaty hands are awkward, much less soft and he carries us like he would a loaf of bread. His eyes are affirming, but his dance is flatfooted. He does not care for us like our mother and when he does, he does not feed us from his body. He seems more caught off guard by my presence, but there is still something that makes us feel as though he would do anything for us to protect and provide for us … if only he could.

 

 

Childhood Play

Although there is such a thing as unplanned pregnancies, it is almost as though many women are planning for motherhood their entire lives and many men begin planning only after they know that a baby is on the way.  As a kid, it always amazed me girls could spend hours caring for a rubber doll, gazing into their plastic eyes as they feed it a bottle or change its diaper. I didn’t really see the appeal.

I recall once playing Barbie with my sister with a full-sized G.I. Joe. Things went well (for her) until G.I. Joe got bored with the picnic and ended up wrecking the Barbie Volkswagen Cabriolet into a ditch (apparently we had a different view of what was stimulating play).  But now in hindsight, I can see how the time my sister spent pretending to have picnics and caring for her dolls were actually preparation for connecting with children and other women.

 

 

 

Once, when girls came to visit, my own boys tried to be great hosts by gathering together all of their “girl toys” (a Playmobil girl pirate and for some reason a Playmobil pink unicorn). However, the girls were not content merely with these. They gathered together all of the stuffed animals and divided them into “families” with a mommy and a daddy and babies. Then, they decided that the animals needed to get married, so that day marked the first stuffed animal wedding ever held in our house.

It was as though even at an early age, these girls were already dreaming of marriage and family. These early years of play were preparing girls for caring for their own children. Their early years playing with dolls (equipped with a miniature stroller, baby bottle and changeable diapers), was developing their social and emotional intelligence in preparation for motherhood.

 

Childhood Responsibilities

Second, while girls are often asked to babysit as early as age 12, the rough play and manner (among other things) of most boys make them unlikely candidates as babysitters for anyone that is not their own siblings. No one seems to trust young boys (or older boys or men for that matter) to watch their children. Would you? Sadly, most men have not really held a baby for more than a few minutes before having their own children.

I know for me and other fathers around me, before holding our firstborn, we had not held a baby more than a few seconds – and many of us found it very stressful thinking that we were going to hold them incorrectly or maybe drop them and cause some form of permanent medical condition. So the few opportunities that we have to hold babies never translated into a time of Joyful baby eye-gazing and we would certainly never kiss someone else’s baby on the head. Can guys do that with other people’s babies? I still don’t know for sure.

 

Teenage Girl Drama

Third, although most of us would be thankful to avoid emotional teen girl drama, this struggle, too, is helping girls to develop their emotional intelligence beyond that of boys whose world is often much more straight forward. “Girl world” tends to be very subtle and in order to survive middle and high school girls need to quickly learn how to read people if they are ever to truly develop deep friendships with the other girls.

Girls are often expected to be more gentle, patient and kind than boys as they navigate a confusing world of seemingly two-faced back-stabbing girls clawing for control, popularity or attention. This nerve racking process teaches girls early on that people often communicate in subtle ways and that there is often subtext to what is being said. For these reason, many girls learn to quickly attempt to read emotions and make decisions in light of what they are feeling that other people are thinking and feeling.

 

 

Guys on the other hand, while hopefully influenced by both godly men and women, develop within a male social structure that values more direct communication or actions that speak louder than words. While this no-nonsense approach has some value, it tends to foster unvarnished transparency, brutal honesty, and a potentially stunted growth of emotional and social intelligence in comparison to those living in girl world.

 

All of this can add up to boys becoming men who have not modeled marriage and family in their play, have not had many experiences with connecting and caring for young children, and have an underdeveloped social and emotional intelligence. This can improve once fathers begin to raise their own children. However, mothers with their 20+ year head start and the countless hours that they spend with their children means that those of us fathers who have not developed emotional intelligence by this time will certainly be woefully behind when it comes to caring for and connecting with our kids.

We not only do not know what to expect when it comes to raising children, we are ill equipped for the task.

 

 

Preparation for Fatherhood

So what can we do to help boys/men to grow in eager expectation in preparation for fatherhood? Here are a few suggestions:

1. Ladies: Realize that what might be innate or intuitive for women will often not come easily for men. Men: Do not buy into the myth of women’s intuition as something that cannot be learned. 
2. Ladies: Be patient and positive with boys and men if they do not seem attuned to the needs of children. This need not be an indicator that they will be poor fathers.
3. Ladies: When you give them a chance to hold children, let them sit down and encourage them to hold the baby until they no longer feel uncomfortable. Men: Take that opportunity to hold a baby and asks for tips to help get comfortable.
4. Ladies: As you perform routine and simple tasks explain what you are doing and why. As you do, focus in on any helpful hints that you have learned and perhaps any emotional aspects of what you are doing (connecting through vocal tone, eye contact, baby sign language, fun movements, etc.). Men: Listen and don’t be afraid to ask questions or pick up a parenting book. 
5. Ladies: Talk about the eyes being the window to the soul. Encourage them to look into the baby’s eyes and not only ask them what they think the baby is thinking, but what she is feeling. Can they connect enough with baby to feel it too? How would you do that?
6. Ladies: Help them to understand the different cries and body movements of the baby and what they mean. Men: Try to be attentive to the noises and movements of a baby. There are also books to check out on these topics. 

 

Do you have any other suggestions? For those of you with children, who was most prepared to care for the baby?

 

 

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